I e-filed our 2015 Federal return about four weeks ago.  Turbo Tax found no problem or audit risk with it; the filing process went smoothly and a few days later Turbo Tax learned that the IRS and the great State of Kentucky had accepted our e-filed returns.  Turbo even patted itself on the back:  “You have successfully filed your returns.  You do not need to do anything further.”

 

Our refund is yet to appear, despite going the direct deposit route.  According to the IRS, most direct deposit refunds are processed in two weeks.  Yes, I have begun to worry.

 

Today the telephone rang from an unfamiliar area code, 716.  Kat never answers such calls.  I always do.  It was a recording of a female voice sternly advising me to call a certain number and ask to speak with an Internal Revenue Agent.  Otherwise, there would be trouble, possibly even an arrest.  The robo call ended and despite once having been a fair to middlin’ tax guy, I Googled IRS about how they notify taxpayers of problems with their returns.  As I remembered, they don’t make initial contact by telephone; it’s almost always through a letter to your address of record.  That address is the one used on your last tax return.  We use a mail forwarding service and fortunately had received our forwarded mail pouch a few days before with nary a note from the IRS.

One hour later the phone rang again, from a different 716 number.  I opted to see if the caller would leave a message.  He left a long one in a thick Arabic accent.  To my surprise he too represented the IRS.  His message was something like this.  “I am John Palmsley of the IRS Audit Department.  You must call me today to explain certain criminal allegations.  If you do not call now, I do not think I can stop local authorities from arresting you.  Call 716-507-4024, now.  Bye-bye.  Have a nice day!”

You’d call him, wouldn’t you?

 

Our conversation went like this.  “I’m returning a call from John Palmsley of the IRS.”  “Good.  Who is this?  What is your Social Security number and date of birth?”  “Let’s get my name first.  I have a Middle Eastern name that is difficult for most Americans to pronounce, so I will spell it for you, okay?”  “Go ahead.”   “My last name is Izdurti.  My first name is Mitur, and my middle name is Bon.”

He admitted that this is an unusual name, but he spelled it back correctly.  I said “Very good: you want to try to pronounce my full name, first, middle, then last?”   “Mitur Bon Izdurti?”

 

Then I sprung the trap!

 

“Your turban is dirty?”  I laughed out loud; he sensed I had conned him.  “Your mother is dirty, you #$@&%*!”

 

Now I really hope that refund shows up soon.